I lack patience. That’s not something to be proud of.
I’ve always spared myself the boredom of reading videogame manuals, for instance. I’ve never been a fan of tutorials. My hands are constantly occupied. I don’t have time to take another’s and have them lead me through. It makes me feel childish. I like to study the terrain on my own. To walk forward, then figure out what to do. That’s the way it’s always been.
I claim to love a challenge, and while that isn’t completely false, I don’t exactly excel at dealing with problems I haven’t yet learned how to solve. And recently I’ve found that to be more challenging than ever.
Waiting is never pleasant. And, when I’m faced with reality, I can’t bring myself to admit that waiting is all I can do. I’ve told you before. I dislike being helpless. I despise the idea of having no other option.
This applies to a variety of things I’ve had to deal with recently. I won’t share all my concerns with you tonight, but I will let you in on the smaller ones.
On the one hand, I feel like I’m making little impact with my work. That when I type, the sound of my keys bounce from wall to wall and reach no ears but mine. That no one is listening, even when I’ve throw the pages into the currents of the internet and watched them fly away.
And that isn’t true. Not really. I have people who read. People who like me and like what I do. It’s just that I’m coming to terms with the reality that I need to wait. Wait for people to come to me. That I’m glued to a chair with a laptop in my arms. And the reality that I need to do better. That I may need a guide. A way to learn. A manual.
I dislike realizing this, and it makes me embarrassed. It makes me realize how stupid I am. And, also, how childish. I may not read over videogame manuals, or take someone’s hand, but I’ve yet to learn. And there are times where I need help. Learning to accept that is, in a way, part of the process of growing up. Pride tends to be childish. Because children reside within small circles of chalk, clueless to what lies on the other side. Whatever they own is trapped within these circles, at arm’s length. So they’ve yet to learn patience. Much like me.
I don’t know why I’m so afraid of accepting this challenge. Why it annoys me that I have to wait. Why I hesitate to reach for someone’s hand. Maybe I aspire to never trip on my run. To not die. Because in videogames, lives are plentiful. It’s idyllic, but not realistic.
And I like being able to let the worry bleed out through my fingers and onto the keys, onto the paper. I’m grateful that I love to do this. But I can’t expect everyone to gather around me. After all, I’m not the only one here who has thoughts to share. I need to wait.
And I need to observe before drawing. To read before writing. While I wait, I’ll learn.
THANK YOU FOR READING!
And thank you for being there for me. I really appreciate all of you. That’s really all I have to say right now.
Take care, and I’ll see you next time!
Copyright © Blanca Parga 2020
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